Friday, February 20, 2015

Late Night Thoughts

I don't know why I write these on a public blog, I guess it's the best I can do because I have a hard time telling people how I really feel or what I'm thinking. I will probably delete this because I will regret it.

I really need to rest for state tomorrow, but I just can't stop thinking.

Life is so full of disappointment.

I know a billion ways to be happier but I really don't want to be happy right now. I want to cry. I want to scream and run out of this hotel and just keep running until I pass out from fatigue and the cold. I want to punch a hole in the wall because honestly the pain of punching through a wall with my already bruised fists would make me feel so much better.

This weekend was going to be perfect. Or maybe I just kept telling myself it was going to be in hopes that it would somehow turn out that way.

I'm one of those people who people constantly feel like they need to tell me to think positively. Well guess what: I DO. I think super positively but then I am let down ever single time. I speak negatively about myself because it creates less expectations. It confusing. I literally just think up really good situations/cute things/fun things to do and then they never happen and I feel worthless. 

My ex-boyfriend once told me that he didn't think I was ready for relationships because I mentally thought I was but I just wasn't, and I have to admit that I totally agree. I have too high of expectations for others because I think of all the things I want them to do (actually kind of like experience the whole scene in a day dream kind of way) and then get depressed when I realize it won't ever happen. It's really bad because I'll feel like I'm super close to someone because I can imagine us getting along really well but then I can't carry on a conversation in real life. I can't express how frustrating it is. It's like having a second life where everything is perfect and then being forced into your reality in which you have no job, very few friends, no idea what to do in your future, no boyfriend, no money, and seemingly no time. I really want to blame others for disappointing me, but really it's just myself disappointing me. My imagination really is my worst most dangerous enemy.

I say "dangerous" and you probably think "wow, you're so dramatic", but really, I am so scared for my future. I don't know how to cope with this....I end up just writing it all down into these long 
posts-this is my therapy. I don't know how I'm going to have a future when I spend all my time thinking up the perfect future and don't live in the now. 

Sorry, going to reference my old relationship again, but he told me that I never did anything romantic and that he was the only one trying. Which was totally true in real life, but I really am one of those people who is super romantic and sentimental I just never had the courage to do anything/give him any of the stuff I meant to. It sounds like I'm a desperate girl who wants her ex back, and I mean sometimes that is true, but right now I want to cuss him out because I was never comfortable enough to do anything I wanted to do. I don't think relationships should be like that. I shouldn't have to worry about every little thing and if they will judge me or if they will leave me. My hands are shaking as I type this and I don't know if it's out of anger or regret or sadness or confusion. 

I just sounded super crazy. I promise it's not like actually a different world...but it is..? I need help obviously. 

Why is life so hard. Why is there loss. I would really like to not lose any more people from my life...

I was originally going to write about how everyone lets me down but then I realized it was me who lets me down, but I guess that's just life. The only one we can count on is God, and if that turns out being wrong then I'm so screwed. But I am counting on him and will till the day I die.

That wasn't as long as I thought it was going to be, that's good. 
Why the heck am I crying. I guess I'm just tired and confused.
Good night.

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